What I Did

Well these past few months I have managed to ruin my relationship, ruin my credit and it is all starting to ruin my life. As if me messing up a relationship with the woman I am in love with was not enough now I have managed to get into financial trouble. I really do think my life is on a journey down hill and I hope that I hit the bottom real soon so I can start making my way back up. I am wanting to fix everything I have screwed up, and I hope it is not too late to do so. I know I can't go back and change the past but I can change the future and that is what I am striving to do.

Love Hurts?

I have always heard love hurts and I could never really understand what it ment. I now know how love can hurt so bad, like a dagger going into the heart. Except the pain is much deeper and more intence. I don't really see how a love that is or was so strong can go so wrong. I don't like to think about it because it hurts me so deeply. I am working on expressing my feelings, which I am not good at. I don't like to cry in front of anyone, I know it is normal. I just need to learn how to cope with my feelings.

Love Always

If you move on to better things, I will still love you.

It doesn't matter what you do, I will still love you.

If you lose all faith in me, I will still love you.

The seasons will come and go, I will still love you.

You can have the worst day ever, I will still love you.

If you stop loving me, I will still love you.

No matter what you say or do, I will always love you.

Love always, April

She Wrote To Me

This is an email I received when Angela and I first started dating.

The way I feel about you
I sit here looking at the sky so blue
Day dreaming of the things we do
I love the way you kiss my lips
And your skin against my finger tips
I sit and think about the way I feel
Every scar I have your love can heal
Even the deepest of them all
You can alleviate with just your smile
I am falling faster and more in love everyday
Eager that you’re feeling the same way
It don’t matter what we do
Just as long as I’m with you
That is why I love you.

Sometimes I can't help but wonder if she still feels this way.

The Good From The Bad

What I mean when saying the positive side of the negative, is that everyone has their disagreements and their opinion. Tonight was one of those nights. Ang and I had a disagreement over me quitting my job at subway. II gave my 2 weeks notice approximately 3 weeks ago saying the 10 of September would be my last day. Then I come home and break the news to her that I was going to work the 12th due to my manager asking me if I could just help her out one more day. I have to say Ang took it rather well and there was no problem. Then my manager tells me about a week later she would like for me to work one more day, the 17, I told her that is the last and final day that I would be there and she was on her own. Well knew the moment I said that I would work I was not thinking.

I come home and I walk in the door, Ang greets me with an amazing hi babe, not just hi babe, but like she has not seen me in a week or longer. I felt so welcomed. I missed you, as I tell her the same we also tell eachother I love you. So I think to myself I am not going to ruin this moment by breaking the news to her about one more day. I waited a day or two to break the news to her about it, needless to say she was not very happy. She don't take it well when people seem to take advantage of my kindness. It almost instantly turned in to an argument. We both got upset and said things that were hurtfull, I don't mean that we called each other names, we both spoke our peace about it and then I pull out in my truck and storm off to work.

After i am a block down the road I realize that I could have handled the situation a little better. I send her a text saying " I could have just let it be and when the 17th came lied to you about where I was going. Sorry I upset you, I did not get a response so I sent I will not bother you any longer. I figured she was upset and I would just give her time. About 45 minutes later I call and still no answer so I leave a message call me when you feel like talking, or something like that. No sooner than I hung up the phone it was ringing. I answer and Ang says baby I am fine I am sorry I got upset and I am glad you told me and did not lie to me. I also told her I was sorry for what I said to her that might have hurt her feelings.

Later on in the evening, I manage to piss her off with something I said. I told her that she always says it is not her fault and that she tell me she don't feel like she should say sorry. That is how it came out and that was not exactly how I meant to say it. She instantly went off on me, not physically, but I am sure I would have done the same thing. I get out of the car and I say I am not doing this, I don't have to put up with this. As I return back into the house.

She starts up the car and takes off like Dale Jr. I am thinking what have I done I would feel and be miserable if something was to happen to her. So I call her and ask her to come back. She returns and I pretty much tell her I am sorry and that we both have things that we need to work on. I love you.

That was the negative, the positive is that we managed to talk it out and not fight all night about it. I love her so dearly and do not want to hurt her in any way. I realize the love I have for her every time we butt heads and disagree.

5 months anniversary

I just want to say, I love you Angela. I am glad that we have been together for 5 months. Even though it is not a year or ten years I still cherish every moment I am with her. We have overcame many obstacles together, and I am looking forward to enjoying more time together. Happy Anniversary baby.

My Recovery

I woke up groaning and moaning, and I look forward. All I see is a lady at a mobil cart filling out papers, it appears. Then she says hi, you are in recovery your surgery is done, but we have to keep you over night. How are you? I am hurting in my chest and I cant hardly breathe. Give me just a minute and we can give you something for your pain. Then I think to myself, overnight, why are they keeping me overnight? This was suppose to be out patient surgery. My next question is, when do I get to see someone? Well it will be about 12:15 I look at the clock and I have about 30 mins. I am thinking, well, that is not to long. So, I look at the clock after I feel it has been 20 mins and it was only 11:50, 5 mins had passed. I am really wanting to see Angela at this point.

I then look at the nurse and ask her for a drink. Yeah, we will find you something when we get you to your room. i am thinking where is Angela? Does she know i have to stay overnight? what is the deal, why am i staying? Is Angela going to be able to stay with me? Will my mom stay or what? Yeah most moms would probably stay, but my mom and I have not had the best relationship for the past 8 years. Things are getting better between us but there is still a lot of hurt and damage that we are working through. Then I think I dosed back off after my pain shot and I woke back up to the nurses getting me ready to go to my room. My first thought was I hope Angela is already at my room. They take me to the elevator and up to my room. We turn the corner and there Angela is, a smile immediately on my face.

That just starts the beginning of the recovery. Angela was there for me the entire time. I don't know what I would have done without her. I know I was not in the best of spirits, or health. The food looked so delicious and iI wanted to chow down, at least that was my plan. I am sitting in the bed and pointing to the food I would like to eat. I point at a roll thinking, yum, I want to try that. I bite into it, not a nibble, a big bite. Big mistake, rolls and dry mouth don't match. I am pointing wanting my water. What? What? What do you want baby? I continue to point at my water with a mouth full of a roll, that fills like it seems to be a cotton ball. Tell me what you need baby. So, After I chew and choke some of it down I manage to say water. I think this is the longest meal I have ever ate. I would take a bite and then I would fall asleep.
I remember very little about the recovery. One of the things I can remember is that I wanted Angela to lay in the bed with me. I would wake up in the middle of the night and she would be sitting right by my side in the chair. She would quietly sit and shift around it the chair as if she was uncomfortable. I knew her legs were bothering her, but she would not say a word. I finnaly convinced her to lay in the bed with me. I slept so much better with her in the bed with me, she slept better also. I think her legs eased off after that. I am so thankful I have her in my life.

Great Things About Angela

The great things about my girlfriend.
1. She is extremely kind
2. Great sense of humor
3. Has a big heart
4. I love the way she makes me laugh when I am down
5. Her amazing smile
6. sue chen (lol)
7. Her eyes
8. The way she laughs
9. The look in her eyes when she says she loves me
10. Her intelligence

It is amazing the things a person can change in another. When someone loves another, the things they go through, it makes them stronger. My girlfriend, Angela has inspired me to open up and stand up for myself. I just want to thank her for loving me so much. I can go on listing the amazing things about her, but i would not have enough space to write it all.

Finally A Day Off

It has been quite some time since I have actually got to experience what an actual day off is. To explain why Isay this, I work 2 jobs, 38 hours at one job and my second job I pull at least 25 hours a week. so when I have a day off at one job, I am working the other. Well, today I was off both jobs, and lets just say I took advantage of it.
Angela and I spent the whole day together. The day started off with getting up and going to my doctors visit, had to go to doc to schedule my gall bladder surgery. After the 2 and a half hour visit at the doctors office, we decided to grab a bite to eat. On our way there Angela noticed two trucks with some men in them. Evidently they were checking us out, the men would look in their mirrors and smile then look at each other. We decided that I should pass the trucks and go on about our business. Well, the men decided to wave at us as we passed. Not enough excitement for them, they decided to pass my vehicle, as they passed Angela and I waved back at them, nothing wrong with a little hello. That was enough of the car tag game, I decided to grab an ice cream from DQ, yummy.
Angela and I both play softball with co-workers, our next stop was the batting cages. We hit around for about 30 min and decided to head back home to watch a movie together. We spent the rest of the night watching movies and enjoying each others company.

The Way I Feel

The way I feel
When I sit here and close my eyes, I picture all the things we do.
The walks we take through the trails, your sweet lips pressed to mine.
I thrive for your every touch; which is such an adrenaline rush.
The feel of your hand holding mine, makes me quiver all over.
I love the way you look at me with your eyes so deep into mine.
Just the look in your eyes can turn me on.
May 1 2008

My Love For You

As I gaze into your eyes, my heart pounds like a drum
It’s the way you make me feel, when you are around
I want so bad to kiss you, but yet can’t seem to make the move
I sit here looking at someone so stunning, so deeply in love
I would run my fingers through your hair, and slowly press my lips to yours
Passionately kiss you on your neck, while massaging your back
My every move to turn you on
I gaze into your eyes once more thinking how can this be,
A woman as astonishing as you, actually wanting me.

Only The Beginning

ONLY THE BEGINNING

I sit and think about the times we share,
wishing that I was still there.
The way you touched me on my hands,
makes me want you for more than friends.
I wish I had the courage to tell you,
all the things I'd like to do.

If I had the nerve to make a move,
I'd hold you close in my arms and
respire in your sweet aroma with every breath.
I'd tenderly kiss you on your lips,
while I massage my fingers through your hair.

Each moment that I spend with you,
just makes me want you that much more.
I just can't express the way I feel.

I love the way you look at me.
Your smiles, warm on the coldest days.
Eyes are beautiful as the morning sun.
A heart of comfort is what you have.

And this is only the beginning.

The Shell

You have so much on your mind,
But hesitate to tell.
I would love to be there for you
If you would only break your shell
The shell around your heart that is
Protecting yourself from the world
You open up to me slowly
Afraid you might be hurt
As we spend more time together
You start to trust me more
You tell me more about your life
And what you have in store
I am so in tune with you
I can understand your pain
So don’t be hesitant to open up to me
There is nothing to loose and everything to gain
Together we will walk hand in hand and side by side I will be with you forever if that is what you want

Comming Out

Well, I am going to write again, I am just going to start off saying how wonderful my girlfriend is.
Yeah, that is what I said girlfriend. Her name is Angela, she has been through so much in her life and I just want to be there for her and love her. We have had an amazing week this week. I think the world of her and love being with her. I have just recently started to talk about my relationship, and through her I have found the strength to tell my mom and to be open about our relationship. She has this attitude that it doesn't matter what people think. That is true, as long as we are happy what does it matter. She is truly an inspiration to me. If it was not for her I would not be who I am now. I am finding and liking the true me. No matter what people say about it, you have to be who you are. People are going to talk about each other no matter who you are. So, what do you do about it? Nothing there is nothing you can do. Sure you can express your thoughts to them but they are still going to talk. My point is I don't care what you or any one else thinks I am happy with who I am and who I am with. Any one else should be able to do the same. So, be who you are and not what someone wants you to be.

A Poem For You

Have you ever loved someone so much that you are literally going crazy?

Have you ever felt so strongly for them that you would jump in front of a bullet for them?

Have you ever cared for them so much that you would walk through fire to save them?

Have you ever wanted someone so much that you would tell every secret just to see them?

Have you ever hurt so much because you have caused just the tiniest, like the size of a mustard seed, bit of pain on a loved one that you couldn't stand yourself?

I have, I do, and I hope you know that it is you.

It Could Be Love

The past couple of days has had a major effect on me. Angela and I had not talked and most of the time, in previous relationships, I could care less if I talked through the problem or not. I would just sit back and let it go till they were ready to talk to me again, and decided that they could see what they done wrong. Not this relationship though, I wanted so bad to work out the problem, but Angela just was not ready to talk. The silence was literally tearing me apart, I thought it was the end of everything. After two long agonizing days we finally talked. Yes we were both hurt by each other but that is all part of a relationship. I realize that the decision I made had really hurt her. I am sorry for the pain I caused, but I guess I have to big of a heart. I have also realized that I have reacted differently to situations in this relationship than in previous ones. I use to think that I could do whatever I wanted and now a realize that to be one with another person you must be willing to see things their way also and come to a compromise. I believe that is what true love is about, working together on your disagreements

Moving On

Some people just can't appreciate anything. I am torn down time and time again by the same person. Just because they can't move on. I have moved on and I have an extraordinary partner that I don't ever plan on leaving, I am very happy.

april 25 2008,Choices

What happened the day of April 25, 2008? For me it was a great day, I made a great friend and decided we would be more than friends. This is the day Angela and I decided that we would pursue a relationship. I am thankful every day that we made the choice to do so, I love her more and more every day