I have not posted for a while it is not that there is nothing to write about, just have not wrote. So far this has been a good month. I started it of with a vacation beginning Jan 30th and ended on Feb 8th. I returned to work for 2 days and now I am off the 11th untill the 17th. I did not really do to much on vacation, but i did play in some snow, I will post a video.
Today is Valentines Day and I am so happy. I have a wonderful BFF, that is totally understanding. Lots of love goes out to everyone and HAPPY HEART DAY!

I want to want

I want to want
I want to feel like I want
I feel like that sometimes.
Yes i want and it feels good too.
The feeling of desire is a terrible but yet an amazing feeling.
Maybe I do feel it, desire, or is it not.
Is it desire or is it love?
Is love just a need?
Why do I long to hear your voice?
In my mind I think I have nothing for anyone.
In my heart I feel I everything for someone.
Do you feel it too?

I Just Don't Know

Why is it so hard to let people know who I am? I find myself everyday struggling to tell people that I have know almost all of my life that I am a lesbian. Sure, they probably already know or have an idea, but there is still that thought in the back of my head that maybe they have not figured it out. I say to myself that if people can not like me for who I am then I should not care what they think.
I first came out to my sister, and it went well. I would talk to her and would ask her what she thought our mom would say. I then told my other sister and brothers. They did not have a problem with it either. That had been the extent of who I had told. Then I had came out at work and it seems that it all went well there also. In September of 2008 I told my mom and her response was " I am sure it is just a phase" I mean really a phase. I have been with a woman since 2002 and have been attracted to them since I could remember. So I am sure it is not a phase. I was surprised when my mom announced at our Christmas 2008 together that I was there with my girlfriend. I am thinking she is taking it well, we don't really talk about it. I also told my great friend from high school, two of my aunts on my dads side. For some reason I am finding it hard to tell everyone else that I know about my lifestyle.

A Big Little Snowman

Two or three days ago we got our first snow of the season. I have an amazing friend that lives in Florida and I was telling her that the weather was calling for snow. I also told her that if it happened to snow I would take pictures. Here are a few of the pics I sent to her.

The little snowman was kind of like a gift to my friend. She called me and asked me if the next time it snowed if I would build a snowman for her, so after talking to her the first chance I got I went out and made a snowman. I took pictures of it and sent them to her.

I sent this picture and when it came through on the phone all that could be seen was the top and the house, till u scrolled down. It made the snowman look big but when you scrolled the picture down you could see the hands and then you know it was a little snowman.

My friend was very grateful for these pictures and I am glad the they made her happy.

Dream (Photos Without A Face)

I am standing on what appears to be a lake that is frozen over. I see two other people with me, one of which is holding a photo of a face, but I can not see who's. They sat the photo on the ice and then somehow a layer of ice covers the photo. The person looks over at me and says it is stuck. I try to break the top layer of ice and I end up breaking it all. The photo falls into the water and the other person is trying to grab it but can't. I reached into the water and I get the photo. Then all of the sudden photos of feces were coming to the surface under the ice. I can not make out the people in the photo because the faces are rubbed out. Just like when u get a photo wet and you rub it the photo smears. I was walking on the ice trying to find a picture that was clear but there was not one.

Dream (The Unicorn)

I was standing on what seemed to be a shore, everything I could see was like crystal. There was a unicorn standing in front of me looking right at me. Over to my left off in the distance was a mountain and a wolf on it. All of the sudden the wolf jumps toward me and lands right in front of me. Every one is running but I continue to stand there. This woman came out of a castle and approached me and said come with me. I thought she was going to make me a slave or servant to her castle. She took me in her castle and into a room where I started fixing peoples hair and giving them massages. All of the sudden the woman comes up to me and says why are you doing that? You should not be doing that you are better than that, and had me follow her. She took me on a private room and started talking to me. The next thing I know this woman is making a pass at me.

Confusion

my mind is such a blur,
I dream of some I may never have,
the heart is such a giver,
but to whom do I have to give,
my mind has always struggled,
when it comes to times like these,
should I take action,
or just sit back and let it be.

Friends

The past week has been awesome, I have made a couple of new friends. We have spent hours talking and making each other laugh. We have talked each other through hard times. I myself have really enjoyed their company. I am not sure that these two women even realize how much they have helped me by just us talking, laughing and just being there for each other. With all this said, I just want to say thanks Kerri and Niki, I thank God for letting us meet. ;-) :-)

Minded

i am lying in my bed crying
wondering how things can be fixed
there is so much hurt and pain
and i need you to feel the abyss
i walk so proud and as nothing is wrong
but really on the inside my emotions eat at me
i know that one day it has to get better
i am just waiting for it
all i ask is for a friendship
maybe that is too much
how can i do so much damage
not even knowing that i did
i can not help but wonder how a friendship can be minded

Finally and Thank You

The past few months have been crazy, moving out, looking for a place to rent, and looking for a vehicle. Due to me not having a vehicle it has made it difficult to get the rest of my things from my exes. I do have to say she has been very patient and been working with me to get my things. I am finally able to get me a car and will be able to get the rest of it out hopefully this Friday. It will be good to get it all out so that it will be out of the way. I am thankful that she was patient with me and worked with me. May God bless her in every way.

My Facebook Quiz

I logged on to facebook as usual today and was working on my farmtown, farmville, mafia wars and all that good stuff. Then I checked out the quizzes and I came upon a quiz that who is your soul mate or love of your life. Out of curiosity I decided to take the quiz. I am answering all the silly little questions like, what is your favorite color, food, music, TV show, and all the crazy questions. I finally get to the last question and I hit submit. I am sitting here anxiously waiting for my answer, the screen refreshes and the name appears on the screen. In bold pink letters the name Angela appears on the screen. I am not joking when I say that, it said Angela. For those who do not know Angela and I were at one time a couple. We no longer are now, but I was totally stunned when I saw her name as being my soul mate. I am not quite sure how to react to this. There is really nothing to react to I guess. I found this rather interesting.

I know it has been a while since I have posted about my sister and her heart situation but I have just found out the she will more than likely be having her surgery within the next few months. She had requested to wait till after Christmas to have it and the surgeon told her that he just did not think that she would be able to wait that long. She has to go back to the doctor in two to three weeks and then we should know for sure when the surgery will be.

Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

Art

I have just started painting again, I have not painted for at least ten years. I have hesitated about posting this and finally decided I would. This picture below I am giving to my sister before she has her heart surgery. It probably wont be long till she has it. Just waiting to hear from that doctors.

Song On My Mind

This is a song that is on my mind, it is very symbolic to me. It is a song by KT Tunstall.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hsym2BFX654

It isn't very difficult to see why
You are the way you are
Doesn't take a genius to realize
That sometimes life is hard
It's gonna take time
But you'll just have to wait
You're gonna be fine
But in the meantime
Come over here lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby
Coz you'll heal over
Heal over
Heal over someday
And I don't wanna hear you tell yourself
That these feelings are in the past
You know it doesn't mean they're off the shelf
Because pain's built to last
Everybody sails alone
But we can travel side by side
Even if you fail
You know that no one really minds
Come over here lady
Don't hold on but don't let go
I know it's so hard
You've got to try to trust yourself
I know it's so hard, so hard
Come over here lady
Let me wipe your tears away Come a little nearer baby
Coz you'll heal over, heal over, heal over someday

The Real Me

I walk around every day pretending that everything is okay, knowing that deep down inside I am hurting. I do not really know how to show my feelings, I sometimes think that it would not matter even if I did. I just do not like to go around showing that things are bothering me. When something get to me long enough I do eventually talk about it. I was always accused by my dad that I was out sleeping around with guys. I guess I should have told him that men were the least of my interests. I have just recently came out to more of my family and so far it seems to be going good. I am pretty sure that people are figuring it out, but I am also nervous that if they haven't about how they will react. It is not going to change who I am, I am still the same girl that they know. I still have the same personality and I am still the happy go lucky person that most of my friends say that I am. I have been sitting and thinking about how to tell everyone. Should I even tell my dad? He would probably be better off not even knowing. On the other hand he has always made comments to my sister about how he thinks I might be a lesbian. A part of me is afraid to sit down and talk to him face to face in fear of how he will react. To all of you that read this post and you don't know that I am a lesbian, well, I guess you know now.

Being a lesbian does not change who a person is. I know people that have been friends for years and just because one of them came out, they had lost what they thought was a good friend. I lived with a family that took me in and of course when they suspected that I was dating another woman they told me I should move out or quit talking to that woman. I can say that there was nothing going on with her, we were just friends. As you probably guessed I moved out. At that moment I decided I was going to be me and not what someone wanted me to be. I told my sister that I was gay and then she helped me to eventually be proud of who I am. I did not go telling everyone then either. I was not till August or September of 2008 that I told my mom. I am slowly but surely letting people know and I guess this post is another step.

With all this said I am just going to say that if you don't want to be my friend because I am gay, then I do not feel that you were ever a true friend to me. All I have to say is that you are missing out on a good friend. I am not asking that you agree or disagree with my lifestyle, just that you accept me for who I am.

Michael W. Smith (Friends)

As I was growing up my parents were not able to be there for me as much as I needed. Therefore I would depend on my friends to be there for me. I have never felt right befriending someone. I am the type of person that if I am your friend I am not going to turn on you because someone else don't like you. I take too much crap from people and as I would put it, I am too forgiving. This has caused me much heart ache and grief. I guess there comes a time when friends have to part. This has happend to me recently and I was at a loss for words. This is a song thet has been on my mind the past couple of days, by Michael W. Smith.



Packing up the dreams God planted

In the fertile soil of you

I can't believe the hopes He's granted

Means a chapter of your life is through

But we'll keep you close as always

It won't even seem you've gone'

Cause our hearts in big and small ways

Will keep the love that keeps us strong

And friends are friends forever

If the Lord's the Lord of them

And a friend will not say never'

Cause the welcome will not end

Though it's hard to let you go

In the Father's hands we know

That a lifetime's not too long

To live as friends

And with the faith and love God's given

Springing from the hope we know

We will pray the joy you live in

Is the strength that now you show

We'll keep you close as always

It won't even seem you've gone'

Cause our hearts in big and small ways

Will keep the love that keeps us strong

And friends are friends forever

If the Lord's the Lord of them

And a friend will not say never'

Cause the welcome will not end

Though it's hard to let you go

In the Father's hands we know

That a lifetime's not too long

To live as friends

And friends are friends forever

If the Lord's the Lord of them

And a friend will not say never'

Cause the welcome will not end

Though it's hard to let you go

In the Father's hands we know

That a lifetime's not too long

To live as friends

To live as friends

Though it's hard to let you go

In the Father's hands we know

That a lifetime's not too long

To live as friends

No a lifetime's not too long

To live as friends

E-Mail (friends)

I have been struggling with a recent breakup. Some days it hits me hard and today was one of them days. I went to check my E-Mail and this is part of one I received. It made me feel a lot better and brought a smile to my face.

As I Suspected

Sometimes at work I have a moment where things settle down for a while. That is when my mind starts to wonder and this poem is just where it happened to go. I have loved to write poems since I was a child and for the longest time I had quit writing. I have come to realize that writing poems helps me with my life and what goes on in it.

As I suspected

The darkness has came over me
Just what I had suspected
I walk around in the blackness
Looking for the light
I know it has to be here somewhere
I am just not sure where
I am sitting here quietly
Waiting to hear a sound
As I come to find there is nothing to hear
I had hoped it did not come to this
So I sit here in the darkness
Never giving up on the light
I know it is somewhere close by
Then I think maybe just sitting is not the thing to do
I need to feel my way through the dark
There is a light somewhere
I just need to be patient
As I continue my search for the light.

9/11 Where I Was

On this day, eight years ago, our twin towers were hit. I don’t understand why someone would do something like that. I myself would not be able to do something like that, I take peoples feeling in consideration and not to mention that is just cold hearted.
The day for me started out with me getting up and heading out to the field to bail some hay. There were three of us out in the field and we had run out of water. I went to get in the truck and head to the house to refill the cooler and when I turned on the radio, I heard that the twin towers had been hit by planes. They were saying at the time they did not know if it was terrorism or if it was an accident. My first thought was how in the hell do you accidently hit a tower or better yet two. Hello, it does not take a genius to figure this out. As the day went on there were more plane hijacks and the pentagon was hit. That is when they decided to call it terrorism.
I was torn and there were many things going through my mind. I was angry, sad, pissed, and my heart was going out to the victims of the incident. In a since I feel it pulled our country together. To this day I feel for the families and the lost victims of the terror, and I want to send out a special prayer for the families and the victims. I also want to thank all the people that put all of their time and effort to go to their aide, and the people that took the time out of there day to stop and just pray for everyone.
With all of this said I want to say God bless everyone.

I is still a little strange going to a new home when I get off work. It feels like I forgot where my home was. I am lucky in a way because there is usually a child here, and I love to be around children. I do miss my old home and there will be nothing that can replace it. As we all know, part of moving on is moving out right.